our 2011

this is a serious year that i will ever have...
why am i say like this?
1st: i'm undergoing my last semester(i'll going to sit for my final exam on april)
2nd: my COC (competency of certificate) after i graduate i've to take.
this is quite important cause once i fail it will cost me in money and time.
3rd: i've to adapt my life again when onbloard ship.
it is not that easy when going to work on a ship. i have to have competency and my professional.
every step i take will effect my future in my career.cause i know i'm not ready to be a real engineer,i have to read more and practice more.. as my previous 2nd engineer taught me.
This is my difficuties in this year...
and i'm just feel stress and tension with it..cause i affraid i'll be a loser..worrying.

back to our topic.
yes, i'm wrong cause i show my disgusting behaviour to you.
actually i'm blaming on myself...
you know why?
my few friends..is few...
saying a same thing to me.
they ask how i'm going to celebrate this coming new year..
with my gf?
i said no...
they just ask me why don't just go there and accompany you..
i speechless.
cause i know i can't make it but i really wish to..
i wish to go there..and i want..
but i can't just leave everything here...
you know why?
evreyday work aspecailly holidays..
and...
actually my family members not that as good as you seen before..
they will just quarrel regulary..
and unfortunately
the same thing happen the day before 2011.
all these thing just broke my heart hardly...
i can't even spread out to anyone...
i can't..
untill you call me..
i was doing my homework that time
i didn't noticed after i sms you.
i'm just moodless that time...
i try to watch some comedy...
some interesting movie untill you call me again.
sorry...i really can give you my best wishes that day.
even i'm just keep wanted to fight with you..
i knew i was wrong, i did something wrong...
the next day,
i feel guilty
and i feel you must be hurt and my heart just upside down
wonder how were you there..
i think you must be moodless..
dear, i'm sorry for my stupid act to you.

Untill now,
you choose to hide yourself.
is that the way you want to break with me?
i think we should have a talk...
instead we keep silent.
our weakness
we always trying to hide our thought from each other.
like what you mentioned there.
is that the best way we should practice?
i think no...
this will just expand the gap between us.
for that incident,
maybe that time was not at the right place you wanted to talk that to me
but we can find a place
we can solve the problems
instead you hide it and let to be our killer.
is not a wise step
cause like us..
we should be more straight in talking
i mean say is we should know how to speak out our feeling
our need
and our thought.
we can't hide
if we hide
it will become stronger.(the love killer)
am i right?

Another thing is
my family comments.
is not mean that i should follow
i tell you just i want to let you know the truth of my family's member
and i want to protect you from them
like what?
i ask you to exercise..
i want you to be a knowledgeable person
to be a good heart people.
all these will just make them feel they are proud to have you as their next daughter.
i love you is true
love a person can make me change my mind.
a sexy and pretty girl in front of me is nothing
cause i know i got you...
you will be my future...
not them.
i don't know why actually you choose to be silent...
but i know you are trying to forget me...
and think time will digest all your sadness
but i can tell you
nothing is better than you talk to me and solve the problem.
cause
we are special
we need more strenght and energy than others
right?

Actually..
is that you are not so understand me?
i'll not say how much i love...
but actually in my heart i will always and always care about you.
maybe
is my family habit
we will not show but actually do love each other.
but
they just keep quarrel
a small thing suddenly become a big issue after some words.
i hope we will not be like that.

conclusion...
next time don't say anymore that i don't care about you...

love you,
your stupid bf...
wait for your reply via phone.