our 2011

this is a serious year that i will ever have...
why am i say like this?
1st: i'm undergoing my last semester(i'll going to sit for my final exam on april)
2nd: my COC (competency of certificate) after i graduate i've to take.
this is quite important cause once i fail it will cost me in money and time.
3rd: i've to adapt my life again when onbloard ship.
it is not that easy when going to work on a ship. i have to have competency and my professional.
every step i take will effect my future in my career.cause i know i'm not ready to be a real engineer,i have to read more and practice more.. as my previous 2nd engineer taught me.
This is my difficuties in this year...
and i'm just feel stress and tension with it..cause i affraid i'll be a loser..worrying.

back to our topic.
yes, i'm wrong cause i show my disgusting behaviour to you.
actually i'm blaming on myself...
you know why?
my few friends..is few...
saying a same thing to me.
they ask how i'm going to celebrate this coming new year..
with my gf?
i said no...
they just ask me why don't just go there and accompany you..
i speechless.
cause i know i can't make it but i really wish to..
i wish to go there..and i want..
but i can't just leave everything here...
you know why?
evreyday work aspecailly holidays..
and...
actually my family members not that as good as you seen before..
they will just quarrel regulary..
and unfortunately
the same thing happen the day before 2011.
all these thing just broke my heart hardly...
i can't even spread out to anyone...
i can't..
untill you call me..
i was doing my homework that time
i didn't noticed after i sms you.
i'm just moodless that time...
i try to watch some comedy...
some interesting movie untill you call me again.
sorry...i really can give you my best wishes that day.
even i'm just keep wanted to fight with you..
i knew i was wrong, i did something wrong...
the next day,
i feel guilty
and i feel you must be hurt and my heart just upside down
wonder how were you there..
i think you must be moodless..
dear, i'm sorry for my stupid act to you.

Untill now,
you choose to hide yourself.
is that the way you want to break with me?
i think we should have a talk...
instead we keep silent.
our weakness
we always trying to hide our thought from each other.
like what you mentioned there.
is that the best way we should practice?
i think no...
this will just expand the gap between us.
for that incident,
maybe that time was not at the right place you wanted to talk that to me
but we can find a place
we can solve the problems
instead you hide it and let to be our killer.
is not a wise step
cause like us..
we should be more straight in talking
i mean say is we should know how to speak out our feeling
our need
and our thought.
we can't hide
if we hide
it will become stronger.(the love killer)
am i right?

Another thing is
my family comments.
is not mean that i should follow
i tell you just i want to let you know the truth of my family's member
and i want to protect you from them
like what?
i ask you to exercise..
i want you to be a knowledgeable person
to be a good heart people.
all these will just make them feel they are proud to have you as their next daughter.
i love you is true
love a person can make me change my mind.
a sexy and pretty girl in front of me is nothing
cause i know i got you...
you will be my future...
not them.
i don't know why actually you choose to be silent...
but i know you are trying to forget me...
and think time will digest all your sadness
but i can tell you
nothing is better than you talk to me and solve the problem.
cause
we are special
we need more strenght and energy than others
right?

Actually..
is that you are not so understand me?
i'll not say how much i love...
but actually in my heart i will always and always care about you.
maybe
is my family habit
we will not show but actually do love each other.
but
they just keep quarrel
a small thing suddenly become a big issue after some words.
i hope we will not be like that.

conclusion...
next time don't say anymore that i don't care about you...

love you,
your stupid bf...
wait for your reply via phone.

眼泪；珍惜

我以为自己已经为他流得够多的眼泪，在一次，
证明我是天生的，眼泪不受控制，我不想再哭了，
眼泪是为那些懂得珍惜的人而流的，
那些不懂得珍惜的人，看了，他应该也没有感觉吧？
我知道我不是好的女朋友，
我连最基本的陪伴都无法满足我的情人，
天真地以为忍忍就过去了，
现在即使辛苦，寂寞我也都不介意。
可是现实上，这是不可能的，因为这不是一个人的感受，
对方不见得愿意承受这种莫名其妙的寂寞，
那么我只好放手了，你现在是因为还没冷静下来，
因为我相信在未来的好几年，我都无法陪伴在你的身边，
我无法安慰你说时间很快过，
如果可以选择，如果你能到回去还没在一起的那天，
或许你会选择只是多交一个知心朋友对吗？

我现在很想安静的，什么都不要去想，
很多东西我都无法控制，至少我可以选择逃避看到你的名字，
想起你的样子，我可能会比较好收的。
放心，我不会怎样的，我只是想看看好笑的卡通，
我不会伤害自己的，我还有未完成的事呢。
你放心吧。

2011

刚刚和他结束了通话,洗一把脸,想把沉重的心情都忘掉.
今天是新的一年,对我来讲没有特别的意义,因为我觉得每一天都是新的一天,
每天都会有不一样的问题要面对,要解决.
往往在感情上遇到问题,我真的不知所措,
我该拿你怎么办呢?狠狠的放弃是最好的方法,
可是我知道心一定会痛的无法呼吸.
已经体会过了那种感受,我不想再一次面对它.
那种痛,我必须要完全忽略了,忘掉了,用其他事情分散注意力,
我才觉得比较好过.
还记得那次和他吃饭,其实可以是温馨的约会,
平凡的幸福,以为他说我们都在自我欺骗,
本来觉得不是很美味的晚餐顿时让我吃不下咽,
让我从心里感到反胃,可悲的是,我还要假装我吃的下去,
幸好吃完了,但是心里的痛开始泛滥,
延续到走在路上,眼泪快要夺眶而出,
心里告诉自己,最少不要在大众的地方,即使流泪也要选一个没人的地方,
然后希望在那一刻他至少留在我身边,矛盾的觉得还好他没有在,
不然我要假装自己其实不在乎.
在那一刻,朋友的重要性明显的对比出来,
他应该一辈子也不会知道,其实那天我很快就做好了,
可是我并没有立刻找他,因为我无法笑着面对他,
我要借我的朋友陪伴,陪我说笑,分散注意力,离开那个他讲过那番话的地方,
我才可以释怀,心里舒服一点.
他没有想过吧?一句话能够杀人于无形.
当我以为自己可以做好心里准备的时候,
看到他的样子,我觉得自己已经快控制不了,
我做了一些平时不会做的事情,让他分散注意力,
祈祷他没有看到我要哭的样子.
他有没有想过呢?其实我真的很在乎他对我的感觉.
因为一直希望我是他的唯一.
我想这一辈子我也不会等到那一天.

我真的很就没有再这里表达我的感受,
因为我无以为我们是可以面对面的沟通了,
不需要经过这个文字传达的地方来沟通,
我以为我们已经进步了,原来我们是退步了.
表面上来看,我们的关系比较密切了,但是感情依然不稳定,
只要在一个易碎的玻璃表面家一分力,
分手就是我们的结局,事实就是我们都学不会爱人吧?
我相信他是一个负责任的好孩子,却是不了解我的心情,
是我的心思复杂了,还是我没有让他知道如何去表达对我的爱?
我错了,选择信任他,以为他会知道我心里的感受.
可是我也猜不透他的心,一直怀疑他到底对我有多重视呢?
可能一点也不,在一起与否,他都无所谓吧??
是我的眼泪让他同情了吧?所以才会在之后和我无言以对.
我不稀罕你的同情的,当你不爱的时候,就告诉我不爱,
终是比起现在拖拖拉拉的情况还要好过一点.
他不会知道为什么我一直在试探,因为我希望他最少也要表示我的想法
我的猜疑是无聊透了,因为一直没有这种东西存在,
但是他的反应如此冷淡,感觉此地无银三百两.
觉得自己已经是没有尊严了,开始在恨他了.

在新的一年,我用眼泪迎接2011的到来,
现在这一刻,好希望可以用酒精麻痹自己的感受,
忘了所有的痛,尝不到心里的苦,
可能我真的不该做这样的选择,
但是一直这样下去也不是好事,
我曾经以为很有默契的大家一起努力,
为自己的梦想,为自己的未来努力打拼,
现在却希望如果没有他,我会不会过的比较好呢?
他会不会也有同样的想法呢??
可能真的如他的父亲所讲,他更适合年轻的女生,
因为我太过有自己的想法,我不甘于一辈子被绑着吧.
对于其他人加于我身上的观念还是其他的,
我都不想做任何的想法,我,还是我,但是关于到他的,
我无法不去在乎,因为是他.
我可以想象,他其实并没有想到和我的未来,
我知道我们很年轻,我也不想太快进入爱情坟墓里,
但是不代表我和他之间没有未来,
即使是各自为自己的梦想而努力,也会是一个目标,
在适当的时刻,为对方加油打气,在心里祝福他的一切顺利,
在面对挫败时借一个耳朵和一颗温暖的心,
告诉彼此,至少我们还有爱,我们有梦,努力就是我们可以做的事.

最近跑去游览人家的FB,
每次看到人家把亲热照片放上去,
心中就会想起我们相处得点滴,可能不如人家那么亲密,
但是依然能够让我感到幸福,觉得有他在身边真好.
应该是错觉吧?为什么他可以在我在的时候待我很好,
当我不在的时候,又回到了那种冷冷淡淡的感觉,
即使说着我爱你,都没有感受了,
经常会觉得感情其实已经不存在了,
只是我一直不愿意放手,一位硬硬霸住,我就是最后的赢家,
其实我输得彻底,他没有那么爱我了.
他的态度是想要我知难而退,当那个开口的人,
他和我就会过得更好,彼此不再抱怨了.
好想他可以狠心一点,直接一次过让我痛个够,
然后我可以无怨尤的作我想做的事情,离开这里,
离开一切会想到他的地方,去一个远方,
寻找我想要的生活,听起来觉得很傻气和天真.
确实我心里唯一一个梦想了.
好笑吗??我竟然在祈祷他对我残忍一点.
我一定是疯了吧?

我希望我可以不爱你的.